D
Dotty
My neighbour's very nosey, and she's always asking me the same thing,
"What are you doing in my shed?"
"What are you doing in my shed?"
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Discuss a monday pick me up contains adult humour in the Plumbing Jobs | The Job-board area at Plumbers Forums
- Status
D
Dotty
My wife and I have been through a rough patch recently.
Newcastle.
Newcastle.
D
Dotty
You know it's going to be a bad day when you find Yellow Pages open at 'hitmen'.
D
Dotty
The Vatican will soon be choosing a new Pope to "lead the 1.2 billion Catholics around the world."
That's one hell of a conga.
That's one hell of a conga.
D
Dotty
No matter what anyone says about my wife, she's always there in times of trouble.
Usually screaming 'You caused this, you barsteward'!
Usually screaming 'You caused this, you barsteward'!
D
Dotty
One Direction have announced that they will cover Nirvana hit "smells like teen spirit" on their forthcoming tour. Which is great news as they could learn a lot from Kurt Cobain.
D
Dotty
Edward Scissorhands.
The man you want to finger your ex.
The man you want to finger your ex.
K
Kyle87
Croppies on fire tonight!!
B
Barry98
This post is nothing without pictures
B
Barry98
.....- Messages
- 7,268
come on BOD am waiting pmsl 
B
Barry98
What ?
D
Dotty
He's done it Steve.
J
julesverne
A boy goes on holiday to Magaluf and texts his mate saying "Weather out here is just like your mother 36 and hot" his mate replies "Weather back here is just like your sister 15 and wet"
K
Kyle87
Pregnant lady gets on bus and driver says to a man....
Please give up your seat for this pregnant lady..
Man replies
No way! She should have fu**** someone with a car!!
Please give up your seat for this pregnant lady..
Man replies
No way! She should have fu**** someone with a car!!
B
Billy Bob Bob
edited for accuracy[video=youtube;eAyxQQOj1fw]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eAyxQQOj1fw&feature=youtu.be[/video]
B
Billy Bob Bob
ACTUAL PASSPORT LETTER:
This, apparently, is an actual letter received by the UK Passport Office.
Dear Sirs,
I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe how is it that Sky Television has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a bleeding satellite dish from them back in 1988, and yet, the Government is still asking me where I was ****** born and on what date.
Do you guys do this by hand?
My birth date you have on my pension book.
It's on all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30 years.
It is on my National Health card.
My driving licence.
My car insurance.
On the last eight damn passports I've had.
It's on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the plane over the last 30 years.
All those insufferable census forms.
Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Mary Anne, my father's name is Robert and I'd be absolutely astounded if that WOULD ever change between now and when I die!!
I apologise, I'm really ****** off this morning.
Between you an' me, I've had enough of this ********!
You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my bleeding address!!
What is going on? Do you have a gang of neanderthal arseholes workin' there?
Look at my damn picture.
Do I look like Bin Laden?
I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for **** sakes. I just want to go and park my **** on some sandy beach somewhere.
And would someone please tell me, why would you give a **** whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days?
If I ever got the urge to do something wierd to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, you'd be the last ******* people I'd want to tell!
Well, I have to go now,'cause I have to go to the other end of the **** city to get another ******* copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of £30.
Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day?
Nooooooooooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make sense.
You'd rather have us running all over the ****in' place like chickens with our heads cut off, then WE have to find some ******** to confirm that it's really me on the damn picture - you know, the one where we're not allowed to smile?! (bureaucratic ****in' morons)
Hey, do you know why we couldn't smile if we wanted to? Because we're totally ****** off!
Signed
An Irate Citizen
P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone to confirm that it's me?
Well, my family has been in this country since 1776 ...
I have served in the military for something over 30 years and have had full security clearances over 25 of those years enabling me to undertake highly secretive missions all over the world.
However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am - you know, someone like my doctor ..
WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN FRIGGIN` PAKISTAN!
This, apparently, is an actual letter received by the UK Passport Office.
Dear Sirs,
I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe how is it that Sky Television has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a bleeding satellite dish from them back in 1988, and yet, the Government is still asking me where I was ****** born and on what date.
Do you guys do this by hand?
My birth date you have on my pension book.
It's on all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30 years.
It is on my National Health card.
My driving licence.
My car insurance.
On the last eight damn passports I've had.
It's on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the plane over the last 30 years.
All those insufferable census forms.
Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Mary Anne, my father's name is Robert and I'd be absolutely astounded if that WOULD ever change between now and when I die!!
I apologise, I'm really ****** off this morning.
Between you an' me, I've had enough of this ********!
You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my bleeding address!!
What is going on? Do you have a gang of neanderthal arseholes workin' there?
Look at my damn picture.
Do I look like Bin Laden?
I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for **** sakes. I just want to go and park my **** on some sandy beach somewhere.
And would someone please tell me, why would you give a **** whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days?
If I ever got the urge to do something wierd to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, you'd be the last ******* people I'd want to tell!
Well, I have to go now,'cause I have to go to the other end of the **** city to get another ******* copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of £30.
Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day?
Nooooooooooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make sense.
You'd rather have us running all over the ****in' place like chickens with our heads cut off, then WE have to find some ******** to confirm that it's really me on the damn picture - you know, the one where we're not allowed to smile?! (bureaucratic ****in' morons)
Hey, do you know why we couldn't smile if we wanted to? Because we're totally ****** off!
Signed
An Irate Citizen
P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone to confirm that it's me?
Well, my family has been in this country since 1776 ...
I have served in the military for something over 30 years and have had full security clearances over 25 of those years enabling me to undertake highly secretive missions all over the world.
However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am - you know, someone like my doctor ..
WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN FRIGGIN` PAKISTAN!
W
Whyme
A blonde goes to the doctors and says "everytime i touch my body it hurts. Doctor replies "ok touch your leg". "aaargh say the woman". Doctor "now touch your arm". "aaargh" shouts the woman. Doctor "Ok now touch your head". Woman "aaaargh"..Doctor " youve broken your finger love".
W
Whyme
what d'ya call a spanish sheep with no legs.....grassyarse.
- Status
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