a monday pick me up contains adult humour

[Dotty]

Mike, do you have a bikini line business on the side?

If he did he'd have a better looking beard!

 

[Mike Jackson]

Nowt wrong with my beard, it's the face underneath that's the problem.

 

[kay-jay]

 

[kay-jay]

pmsl

 

[kay-jay]

 

[Howsie]

 

[Resolute]

Shamelessly stolen from Facebook!

 

[Kyle87]

 

[Masood]

View attachment 11720

D'Oh!

 

[peteheat]

View attachment 11720

Mammy wants the room back

 

[Howsie]

For those of you with an iPhone or iPad :

https://itunes.apple.com/gb/app/plumber-crack/id470225328?mt=8

 

[Billy Bob Bob]

Subject: Teaching Maths in Britain

1. Teaching Maths In 1970
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100..
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.
What is his profit?

2. Teaching Maths In 1980
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is 80% of the price.
What is his profit?

3. Teaching Maths In 1990
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is £80.
How much was his profit?

4. Teaching Maths In 2000
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is £80 and his profit is £20.
Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Maths In 2005
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habit of animals or the preservation of our woodlands.
Your assignment: Discuss how the birds and squirrels might feel as the logger cut down their homes just for a measly profit of £20.

6. Teaching Maths In 2009
A logger is arrested for trying to cut down a tree in case it may be
offensive to Muslims or other religious groups not consulted in the
felling licence. He is also fined a £100 as his chainsaw is in breach of Health and Safety legislation as it deemed too dangerous and could cut something.. He has used the chainsaw for over 20 years without incident however he does not have the correct certificate of competence and is therefore considered to be a recidivist and habitual criminal. His DNA is sampled and his details circulated throughout all government agencies. He protests and is taken to court and fined another £100 because he is such an easy target.

When he is released he returns to find Gypsies have cut down half his wood to build a camp on his land. He tries to throw them off but is arrested, prosecuted for harassing an ethnic minority, imprisoned and fined a further £100. While he is in jail again the Gypsies cut down the rest of his wood and sell it on the black market for £100 cash. They also have a departure BBQ of squirrel and pheasant and leave behind several tonnes of rubbish and asbestos sheeting.

The forester on release is warned that failure to clear the fly tipped rubbish immediately at his own cost is an offence. He complains and is arrested for environmental pollution, breach of the peace and invoiced £12,000 plus VAT for safe disposal costs by a regulated government contractor.

Your assignment: How many times is the logger going to have to be
arrested and fined before he realises that he is never going to make £20
profit by hard work, give up, sign onto the dole and live off the state
for the rest of his life?

7. Teaching Maths In 2010
A logger doesn’t sell a lorry load of timber because he can’t get a
loan to buy a new lorry because his bank has spent all his and their money on a derivative of securitised debt related to sub- prime mortgages in Alabama and lost the lot with only some government money left to pay a few million pound bonuses to their senior directors and the traders who made the biggest losses.

The logger struggles to pay the £1,200 road tax on his old lorry
however, as it was built in the 1970s it no longer meets the emissions
regulations and he is forced to scrap it.

Some Bulgarian loggers buy the lorry from the scrap merchant and put
it back on the road. They undercut everyone on price for haulage and send their cash back home, while claiming unemployment for themselves and their relatives. If questioned they speak no English and it is easier to deport them at the governments expense. Following their holiday back home they return to the UK with different names and fresh girls and start again. The logger protests, is accused of being a bigoted racist and as his name is on the side of his old lorry he is forced to pay £1,500 registration fees as a gang master.

The Government borrows more money to pay more to the bankers as
bonus's are not cheap. The parliamentarians feel they are missing out and claim the difference on expenses and allowances.
You do the maths.

8. Teaching Maths 2017
أ المسجل تبيع حموله شاحنة من الخشب من اجل 100 دولار. صاحب تكلفة
> الانتاج 80 من
> الثمن. ما هو الربح له؟= 20

 

[tamz]

Liked that one Mark. Its very true. Btw the last line translates as

A registrar sells a truckload of lumber for $ 100. His cost of > 80 of production > Price. What is his profit? = 20


This one sticks in my head (near enough) from a 1970's exam.

A fisherman is out in his boat heading home at 4 knots. He lives in a cottage by the beach.
He can see his house in the distance as he rounds the point with the lighthouse. He knows the lighthouse is 120m above sea level and is exactly 2.5 miles as the crow flies from his house so using his sailor tool (can't remember the name of it (LP???)) he checks the angle and it is 62º.
How long will it take him to get home.

I answered it in under 5 seconds, it was dead easy.






The same time as it took him the day before.
Nul point!

What fkn use is that to a plumber:1eye:

 

[SafeGasInstall]

****ing Bulgarians lol

 

[CES]

Called a plumber to come have a look at my washing machine. He agreed, she's a fat c**t.

 

[TomLane]

A study has shown that looking at your iPhone for long periods of time can make you sleepy.

Luckily you can get a nap for that now.

 

[Keefy]

Not sure if this is classed as humourous but it made me laugh.

 

[Howsie]

The Scottish Football Association has announced that it's given goal line technology the go ahead.

"We're going to install Hawkeye the noo." A spokesman said.

 

[Howsie]

My wife just phoned me and said, "I think there's water in the carburettor."

I said, "Where are you calling from?"

She said, "The canal."

 

[mutley racers]

Not sure if this is classed as humourous but it made me laugh.

made me laugh too

 

[Howsie]

Priceless.

 

[Dotty]

"I caught my twelve-year-old son looking up women's skirts today," I told the barman after my second whiskey.

"That's pretty normal for a twelve-year-old, isn't it?" he asked.

"Not on eBay it isn't!" I said.

 

[Dotty]

Went out side last night as I heard a right row going on in the street.

Found four so called Villa fans playing football with a cat.

I was about to call the RSPCA when the cat went 1-0 up

 

[Dotty]

I saw a status on Facebook today that said,"I'm jobless and totally unemployable."

But they'd spelt it "Jus sitin down wit a cupa to wach jeza kyle"

 

[Leo21]

View attachment 11720

Whos been taking piccies in Villa Toms house then.