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a monday pick me up contains adult humour

  • Thread starter Thread starter Barry98
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re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

[h=6]I wrote 'Clean Me' on the back of a white van today.

The driver saw me and started going mental.

"It's only a joke mate," I said, "Calm down."

"Calm bloody down?" he screamed, "You've used a permanent marker."
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re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk. Then the town folk found they could buy a cow in Scotland quite cheaply. So, they brought the cow over from Scotland .

It was absolutely wonderful, it produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.

They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again. and they
put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away.

No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull,
And he was never able to do the deed.

The people were very upset and decided to go to The Vet, who was very wise to tell him what was happening and ask his advice.

"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off.
If he attempts it from the one side, she walks away to the other side."

The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered, this before asking, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Scotland ?"

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Scotland .

"You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow from Scotland ?

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye: "My wife is from Scotland "
 
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

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[TD]They say that the average man ejaculates at 20mph.

I'm clearly not average then.

My new girlfriend has been with a lot of guys and according to her, I definitely *** much quicker than all of them.[/TD]
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re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

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[TD]I knocked at my date's door today and her father answered.

He said, "My daughter tells me that you're taking her for a meal and then the cinema."

"Yes, I'm taking her to the Chinese down the road," I replied.

"And what are you hoping to see afterwards?" he asked.

"Her ****," I replied.

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re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

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[TD]My Dad should be in the Guinness Book Of World Records.

I'm pretty sure no one has ever taken twenty seven years to go and get a pint of milk.[/TD]
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re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

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[TD]Rangers news :

Ally McCoist has admitted that midweek training was cut short

.. after one of the players kicked the ball into next door's garden.[/TD]
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re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

I was standing in a bar in town yesterday and this little Chinese guy comes in, stands next to me and starts drinking a beer.

I said to him, "Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate or Ju-Jitsu?"

He says "No, why tyou ask me dat, is it coz I Chinee"?

"No", I say, "It's because you're drinking my beer you little so n so"
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re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

THE AUSTRALIAN APPROACH
A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.
The manager asked 'Do you have any sales experience?'
The young man answered 'Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Dubbo.'
The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job.
His first day was challenging and busy, but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked, 'OK, so how many sales did you make today?'

The Aussie said 'One!'
The manager groaned and continued, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day.
How much was the sale for?'
'£124,237.64p.'
The manager choked and exclaimed £124,237.64!! What the hell did you sell him?'
'Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook and then I sold him a new fishing rod.'
'Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Power Cat.'
'Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x4
The manager, incredulous, said, 'You mean to tell me...a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?'
'No, no, no... he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend and I said...

'Well, since your weekend's buggered mate, you might as well go fishing.'

 
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

I'm going to put that one in my Christmas cracker, Croppie ... that's excellent!!!

LOL LOL LOL
 
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

What's the difference between God and an electrician?

God doesn't think he's an electrician
 
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

I told these to our sparkies at work today.

Then I had to stand and explain it to them!
 
I texted them to a spark I know.

He replied something to do with sex and travel.
 
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

A teacher in a class is going around all the children and asking them what they want to do when they grow up. It eventually gets around to little Johnny's go.

"So Johnny, what do you want to do when you're older?" Asks the teacher.

Johnny replies "I want to be a millionaire and have a pig, and I'll buy my pig lots of nice clothes and jewelry and take her on holidays all around the world on a private jet that I'll buy for her, and have sex with her 5 times a day on our desert island."

The teacher is shocked and has no idea how to reply, so just moves on to the next child, completely flabbergasted.

"OK...Ahem, and Rebecca? What do you want to be when you're older?"

Rebbecca replies "Johnny's pig."
 
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

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[TD]Experts say they may have found Richard III in a Leicester car park.

Ugly, disfigured and reviled, Leicester is at junction 20 off the M1.[/TD]
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re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

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[TD]Women.
Ironically the harder they are to push, the easier they are to pull![/TD]
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re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

How does an electrician change a light bulb?

He holds it in the air and waits for the world to revolve around him!
 
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

How does an electrician change a light bulb?

He holds it in the air and waits for the world to revolve around him!

Thats an old one I posted it months back
 
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Still a goodun though! I've been battering my sparkie cousin with all these. He's getting terribly snippy!
 
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

A chemist, a biologist and an electrical engineer were on death row waiting to go in the electric chair.
The chemist was brought forward first. "Do you have anything you want to say?" asked the executioner, strapping him in. "No," replied the chemist. The executioner flicked the switch and nothing happened. Under this particular State's law, if an execution attempt fails, the prisoner is to be released, so the chemist was released.
>Then the biologist was brought forward. "Do you have anything you want to say?" "No, just get on with it." The executioner flicked the switch, and again nothing happened, so the biologist was released.
Then the electrical engineer was brought forward. "Do you have anything you want to say?" asked the executioner. "Yes," replied the engineer. "If you swap the red and the blue wires over, you might make this thing work."
 
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