a monday pick me up contains adult humour

[Dotty]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

[h=5]Two Glaswegians, Archie and Jimmy, are sitting in the pub discussing Jimmy's forthcoming wedding.

"Och, it's all goin' pure brilliant," says Jimmy. "Ay've got everythin' organised ulriddy, the fluers, the Kirk, the mootor caurs, the recuption, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night".

Archie nods approvingly.

"Ay've even bought a kilt to be married in!" continues Jimmy.

"A kilt?" exclaims Archie, "That's magic, you'll look pure smart in that. What's the tartan?"

"Och," says Jimmy, "Ah'd imagine she'll be in white.. "
[/h]

 

[Dotty]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

I tore my wifes bra off the second I got home tonight. The elastic was killing me..

 

[Dotty]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Last night my wife said, 'You. Out. Dirty Dancing's on telly tonight, and I'm watching it. I don't want you sitting there taking the **** out of the songs, so you can just bloody well go out to the pub with your mates.'

I staggered home at closing time. She said, 'How was the pub?'

I replied, 'Well, I've had the time of my life...'

 

[Dotty]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table.
An attractive blonde from Dublin arrived and bet $20,000 on a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed, "YES! YES! I WON, I WON!"
She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

MORAL OF THE STORY -
Not all Irish are stupid and not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.

 

[dontknowitall]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

That last one's a cracker, Croppie!!!

 

[Howsie]

Another suicide car bomb attack in Syria today.

Muslimbs everywhere.

 

[Masood]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

another suicide car bomb attack in syria today.

Muslimbs everywhere.

pmsl! 🙂

 

[Guest123]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

The System3 guide to childrens charities....
.

 

[mountainman]

A man goes to see the Rabbi.

"Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."

The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me.

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"

The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?

The man said, "Yes" and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison."

 

[CES]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Shamelessly stolen...

Japanese couple having an argument ....

Husband says "Sukitaki !"

Wife replies "Kowanini !"

Husband says "Toka a anji rodi roumi yakoo !"

Wife on her knees begging "Mimi nakoundinda tinkouji !"

Husband replies angrily "Kina tim kouji !"

And look at you, sitting there reading this as if you understand Japanese ....

Ya daft ba'stard.

 

[Dotty]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Konichiwa!

 

[nicro3]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

My pet mouse Elvis died today------------------------------------------------------ 'caught in a trap'

 

[Howsie]

My wife said that she is becoming health conscious and that she needed to burn the excess fat in her body.

So I set her on fire.

 

[Howsie]

I've decided to retire on Monday & live off my savings.

Don't know what I will do on Tuesday though.

 

[kay-jay]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

 

[kay-jay]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Man walks into a bar and hears someone say "You're looking good today", then hears "You look great!", but he sees there is no one else around, only the barman washing glasses. "Was that you saying how good and great I looked today?"
"No, that'll be the complimentary peanuts."

 

[kay-jay]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

There once was a man from Bel Air
Who was doing his wife on the stair
But the banister broke
So he doubled his stroke
And finished her off in mid-air

 

[Howsie]

The first rule of Maths club is you must not tell your mum and dad about Maths club.

 

[Barry98]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

The first rule of Maths club is you must not tell your mum and dad about Maths club.

That don't add up

 

[kay-jay]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

That don't add up

lol .....

 

[Howsie]

The rain in Spain stays mainly in the kitchen.

 

[Howsie]

My wife fell in the lion pit at the zoo. It was carnage.

She crushed four of them.

 

[kay-jay]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

 

[kay-jay]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

 

[Howsie]

I took a girl back to my place last night.As we undressed, I dropped my pants and she laid eyes on my ten inch monster.

"Oh my god," she gasped, stepping back. "It's f'in huge!"

"I know," I said smugly. "I'm very proud of it."

"You should be," she said, putting her clothes back on. "It's the biggest turd I've ever seen."