D
Dotty
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour
Hehehehehe!
Hehehehehe!
-
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Discuss a monday pick me up contains adult humour in the Plumbing Jobs | The Job-board area at Plumbers Forums
- Status
B
Barry98
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour
Easy targets really aren't they
Easy targets really aren't they
D
Dotty
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour
[h=6]I was at the summer fete, staring up at the sky when my mate appeared at my shoulder. " Penny for your thoughts." He said.
" Oh, just thinking about my dead wife," I replied.
" She's not dead is she?"
" Not yet. " I said. " But she will be when she let's go of those balloons."[/h]
[h=6]I was at the summer fete, staring up at the sky when my mate appeared at my shoulder. " Penny for your thoughts." He said.
" Oh, just thinking about my dead wife," I replied.
" She's not dead is she?"
" Not yet. " I said. " But she will be when she let's go of those balloons."[/h]
J
julesverne
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour
A loud blood curdling scream is heard from the toilets. a few minutes after that another loud scream reverberates trough the bar. the bar tender goes in to investigate why the drunk is screaming.
"whats all the screaming about in there your scaring the customers"
the drunk replies "i'm just sitting here on the toilet and everytime i try to flush the toilet something comes up and squeezes my balls"
with that, the bartender opens the door looks in and says
"you idiot your sitting on the mop bucket"
A loud blood curdling scream is heard from the toilets. a few minutes after that another loud scream reverberates trough the bar. the bar tender goes in to investigate why the drunk is screaming.
"whats all the screaming about in there your scaring the customers"
the drunk replies "i'm just sitting here on the toilet and everytime i try to flush the toilet something comes up and squeezes my balls"
with that, the bartender opens the door looks in and says
"you idiot your sitting on the mop bucket"
J
julesverne
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour
trying to close your internet **** windows when the wife is coming is like trying to put your keys in the door before the killer gets you
trying to close your internet **** windows when the wife is coming is like trying to put your keys in the door before the killer gets you
J
julesverne
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour
i didnt realise that pawn (the other spelling of same word) was classed as a swear word
i didnt realise that pawn (the other spelling of same word) was classed as a swear word
B
Barry98
B
Barry98
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour
My wife just said "can you explain to me why I've just found a pair of sexy knickers in your coat pocket?" I said yes, its because your a nosey sod"
Berzinga
My wife just said "can you explain to me why I've just found a pair of sexy knickers in your coat pocket?" I said yes, its because your a nosey sod"
Berzinga
B
Barry98
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour
I've just bought a car with "Stop Start" technology.
And next to those two pedals is the clutch.
I've just bought a car with "Stop Start" technology.
And next to those two pedals is the clutch.
- Messages
- 5,073
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour
"Hey, wanna play rape?"
"NO!"
"That's the spirit"
"Hey, wanna play rape?"
"NO!"
"That's the spirit"
M
mountainman
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour
"Rape" is such an ugly term... I prefer "surprise sex" myself...
"Rape" is such an ugly term... I prefer "surprise sex" myself...
D
Doodlebug
J
julesverne
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour
so tempted to pop one in the local co op notice board
so tempted to pop one in the local co op notice board
D
Dotty
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour
I screwed this girl last night, and I must have been brilliant because she was telling everyone about it.
Her friends, her parents, the police.............
I screwed this girl last night, and I must have been brilliant because she was telling everyone about it.
Her friends, her parents, the police.............
B
Barry98
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour
A couple were invited to a swanky costume party.
Unfortunately, the wife came down with a terrible headache and told her
husband to go to the party alone.
He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going
to take some aspirin and go to bed,
and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going.
So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and,
as it was still early enough, decided to go to the party.
Since her husband did not know what Her costume was, she thought she would
have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not
with him. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around
on the dance floor, dancing with every nice woman he could, and copping a little
touch here and a little kiss there.
His wife sidled up to him and, being a rather seductive babe herself, he left
his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new babe who had
just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished... naturally, since he was her husband.
Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed. So off they
went to one of the cars and had a quickie..
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the
costume away, and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would
make for his behavior.. She was sitting up reading when he came in,
and she asked what kind of a time he had.
He said: "Oh, the same old thing.
You know I never have a good time when you're not there."
"Did you dance much?" - "You know, I never even danced one dance.
When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Browning, and some other guys, so we went into the den and played
poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to..."
Unfortunately, the wife came down with a terrible headache and told her
husband to go to the party alone.
He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going
to take some aspirin and go to bed,
and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going.
So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and,
as it was still early enough, decided to go to the party.
Since her husband did not know what Her costume was, she thought she would
have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not
with him. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around
on the dance floor, dancing with every nice woman he could, and copping a little
touch here and a little kiss there.
His wife sidled up to him and, being a rather seductive babe herself, he left
his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new babe who had
just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished... naturally, since he was her husband.
Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed. So off they
went to one of the cars and had a quickie..
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the
costume away, and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would
make for his behavior.. She was sitting up reading when he came in,
and she asked what kind of a time he had.
He said: "Oh, the same old thing.
You know I never have a good time when you're not there."
"Did you dance much?" - "You know, I never even danced one dance.
When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Browning, and some other guys, so we went into the den and played
poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to..."
B
Barry98
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour
"There's a spider in the bedroom," screamed my wife, "Get it out croppie ! Please get it out croppie!"
"I don't know why they turn you on so much," i said, unzipping my jeans.
Berzinga
"I don't know why they turn you on so much," i said, unzipping my jeans.
Berzinga
B
Barry98
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour
A wife arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words: "Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about. Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator. Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didn't wear because they were out of style. She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater you never wore even once because the color didn't suit you. Her slacks were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that you don't fit into anymore. Then as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, 'Is there anything else that your wife doesn't use anymore?' "And so, here we are!"
A wife arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words: "Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about. Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator. Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didn't wear because they were out of style. She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater you never wore even once because the color didn't suit you. Her slacks were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that you don't fit into anymore. Then as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, 'Is there anything else that your wife doesn't use anymore?' "And so, here we are!"
B
Barry98
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour
I showed up late for work today.
The boss yells "You should have been here at 8:30!"
I said: "Why? What happened at 8:30?"
I showed up late for work today.
The boss yells "You should have been here at 8:30!"
I said: "Why? What happened at 8:30?"
D
Dotty
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour
Bod was traveling up the shopping centre escalator following a lovely young lady wearing the shortest tightest skirt imaginable, when he thought to himself.......
Why can't I wear trousers like any normal bloke?
Bod was traveling up the shopping centre escalator following a lovely young lady wearing the shortest tightest skirt imaginable, when he thought to himself.......
Why can't I wear trousers like any normal bloke?
J
julesverne
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour
I've just bought my wife one of those pug dogs as a surprise present. Despite the squashed nose, wonky eyes and trouble breathing due to the weight gain over the years,the dog seems to like her
I've just bought my wife one of those pug dogs as a surprise present. Despite the squashed nose, wonky eyes and trouble breathing due to the weight gain over the years,the dog seems to like her
M
mountainman
I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing bum-backwards.
Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You should not be able to join a military unit until you are at least 35.
For starters, researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.
Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry.' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for awhile..
An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10am. Old guys always get up early to pee, so what the hell. Besides, like I said, I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-pig.
If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.
Boot camp would be easier for old guys.. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.
They could lighten up on the obstacle course however... I've been in combat and never saw a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.
Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too... I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.
An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.
These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.
Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple million ****ed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons, who know that their best years are already behind them.
HEY!! How about recruiting Women over 50...in menopause!!! You think MEN have attitudes??
Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!! If nothing else, put them on border patrol. They'll have it secured the first night!
Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You should not be able to join a military unit until you are at least 35.
For starters, researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.
Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry.' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for awhile..
An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10am. Old guys always get up early to pee, so what the hell. Besides, like I said, I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-pig.
If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.
Boot camp would be easier for old guys.. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.
They could lighten up on the obstacle course however... I've been in combat and never saw a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.
Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too... I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.
An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.
These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.
Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple million ****ed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons, who know that their best years are already behind them.
HEY!! How about recruiting Women over 50...in menopause!!! You think MEN have attitudes??
Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!! If nothing else, put them on border patrol. They'll have it secured the first night!
D
dontknowitall
- Status
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